The Uncle Oliver School

Uncle Oliver: If I win the lottery I’m going to build a tennis center.

Omar: I thought you said you were gonna build a school. What are you gonna teach? Your words of wisdom?

Parking Policy

Jesse: There’s a spot right there

Omar: That’s too narrow. 

Uncle Oliver: That’s ok that car is old anyway.

Parking Policy

Jesse: There’s a spot right there

Omar: That’s too narrow.

Uncle Oliver: That’s ok that car is old anyway.

The Cats Are Having A Picnic

Uncle O: did you guys eat the chicken on the table?
Omar, Jesse: No…
UO: The cats are having a picnic now.

Where’s the Fish?

Uncle Oliver [to waiter]: I’ll have the Tilapia with the salad.

Waiter: What kind of dressing?

UO: Thousand Island

Five Minutes Later… 

UO: Where’s my tilapia???? I thought I ordered Tilapia.

Nina: 

That’s your side salad….

*Waiter comes out with food*

UO: Oh, there’s my tilapia.

Uncle Oliver’s Motto…Y.O.L.O.

The thing’s you’ll hear Uncle Oliver say when he’s not causing mayhem within the household will consist of but not limited to:

–Where are we?

–Where is [your] mom?

–Is there rice?

–Is there Wi-Fi?

–Did you bring a hanker-chief?

–Pick that up! 

–Where is the bathroom?

–I’m hungry

–Awh…Bullshit!


Low Budget Repair

Omar: Papa, my teeth are so crooked it’s like they’re throwing up gang signs

Uncle Oliver: Braces are too expensive. I’ll just make you braces.

Omar: Make braces? With what?

UO: …just go upstairs and grab me wire hanger.

Lost: Santo Niño Poster

Uncle Oliver: I know the cleaning crew for the plane is a Filipino, Hispanic, or Pakistani… If the Filipino finds it and opens it, they will make sure it will get back to the proper owner. If it’s the Hispanic, I know for sure he will do the sign of the cross and then keep it. But if it’s the Pakistani who will find it, he will say “What is this bullshit?” and then throw it away.

Flight Attendants

*group of Asiana flight attendants past by*


Uncle Oliver: the flight attendants in Philippines are very nice. They’re young…. also, very courteous…. There in the states, they are very old! And cranky! They’re already a grandma, I don’t know why they don’t retire… America is too liberal.

Buying a Car

Omar: Hey Papa, did you find a car that is within our budget?

Uncle Oliver: *Looking through Craigslist* I found a lot. Go look through the list.

Omar: *scrolling through ‘bookmarked’ pages* …Acura TSX..uhmm…Honda Accord..ehh. Wait, Papa, what about this? Can you get this for me?

UO: Uhh…you want this?!

Omar: Yeah. It’s within our budget, it has a pretty fuel economic engine, and is a sport/luxury car, and has low mileage.

UO: OH! That’s a nice BMW…

Wait…NAWWWL!!!

Omar: Why not? It’s almost completely perfect for me.

UO: Yeah but it’s made in Germany. If you’re going to…

…buy a BMW, you might as well ask them if it comes with a…

…bottle of Tylenol for the headaches because of….

…the number of maintenance problem and the cost of parts.

Omar

 

WTF?!!

Filipino Flying School

Uncle Oliver: Why don’t you go to flying school in PI?

Omar: What’s the difference between flying school there compared to here in the states?

UO: It’s cheaper and the time needed to graduate is less.

Omar: Is that even safe? What plane do they train the pilots in? A Cessna or something?

UO: A choice between…

Magic Carpet

or

Broomstick.